Cravings...
Some women get chocolate cravings when the monthly thing comes around, me, I get irrefutable DragonRealms cravings everytime the monthly thing comes around. Maybe it's conditioning from all the adrenaline rushes I got from playing for over 6 years? I was day-dreaming of talking to Markhor IC, and wiring him some moola over Paypal for holding some things for me for a very long time. It's going to be a full year in December, a full year of cold-turkey from playing that game. God, I so want to go back, just a month, one month. That's all I need, just 1 month!!!
But I have that student loan to pay off, and I still need to pay for another semester of college, and luckily I stay at home, with my parents otherwise. *shake* The hubby divorced me last year in december, I was so depressed, he said I was too messy, and too slobby to make a 'proper' wife, and that wooing and eloping with me had been the worst mistake of his life. I can't shake the confusion I feel because it was all him, he was always bringing me flowers, and telling me he loved me, and then the ring, I thought it was going quickly but, at the time it all seemed so right. Even though we were 'married' we both were still living in our parents homes. I still feel broken and hurt inside over it all. Within 6 months he re-married, yeah that was fast! This time, he says he knows what marriage really is, and he appologized for the hell he put me through by marrying me without knowing who I really was, and then revoking the marriage just like that when he did know. He told me that at the time his diabetes was totally out of control, and that most of what he had done, had been ruled by drastic mood changes caused by out of control diabetes type 2. I'm sorry, I just have a hard time believing it.
Then this old roleplaying friend came back into my life, and, were dating now after a summer romance. It was nice, and brought me out of my depression. He's been sweet, so sweet! And I feel I can actually talk to him, like really TALK you know! And he's insightful and thoughtful, really like a true muse, and I just feel so in love with him now, we both say I love you, but sometimes I find myself wondering if I really mean it. Knowing the kind of commitment he wants from me, marriage, sex, and at least 2 children. I've heard childbirth is really painful, and at 22 I just don't think I'm ready for it. I want to, at least be me, before I start having kids. Like, I just became an adult, I want to develop who I am, before I do anything else. Some is developed, but other aspects of myself I want, I need to do that myself, and I think it's going to take a few years.
But I have that student loan to pay off, and I still need to pay for another semester of college, and luckily I stay at home, with my parents otherwise. *shake* The hubby divorced me last year in december, I was so depressed, he said I was too messy, and too slobby to make a 'proper' wife, and that wooing and eloping with me had been the worst mistake of his life. I can't shake the confusion I feel because it was all him, he was always bringing me flowers, and telling me he loved me, and then the ring, I thought it was going quickly but, at the time it all seemed so right. Even though we were 'married' we both were still living in our parents homes. I still feel broken and hurt inside over it all. Within 6 months he re-married, yeah that was fast! This time, he says he knows what marriage really is, and he appologized for the hell he put me through by marrying me without knowing who I really was, and then revoking the marriage just like that when he did know. He told me that at the time his diabetes was totally out of control, and that most of what he had done, had been ruled by drastic mood changes caused by out of control diabetes type 2. I'm sorry, I just have a hard time believing it.
Then this old roleplaying friend came back into my life, and, were dating now after a summer romance. It was nice, and brought me out of my depression. He's been sweet, so sweet! And I feel I can actually talk to him, like really TALK you know! And he's insightful and thoughtful, really like a true muse, and I just feel so in love with him now, we both say I love you, but sometimes I find myself wondering if I really mean it. Knowing the kind of commitment he wants from me, marriage, sex, and at least 2 children. I've heard childbirth is really painful, and at 22 I just don't think I'm ready for it. I want to, at least be me, before I start having kids. Like, I just became an adult, I want to develop who I am, before I do anything else. Some is developed, but other aspects of myself I want, I need to do that myself, and I think it's going to take a few years.
posted by Skaldi | 7:07 AM
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